ow. First blog post of the year. It’s always tough to resume content that I neglect or fell out of touch with. Wasn't sure where to begin and where to start. I have so much to catch you guys up on but we’ll start slow. How are you? How’s 2019 treating you? For me it started off upside down and inside out. Now? Still upside down and inside out, however, I’m learning to accept it and embrace it (smiles sarcastically). 

This summer I’ve been blessed with opportunities to travel overseas for the first time. With the trips that I’ve had thus far, it amazes me how my spirit slowly transcends into this unwanted space that feels a bit gloomy when I return to the US (in the Midwest). As I get more in-tuned with what’s going on with my body, mind, and spirit, I focused on my breathing. How my nervous system reacts to conversations, places, people, food, and so on. Do I feel rushed, uneasy? Do I feel like I have to be something that I’m not and code switch often? Does xyz make me feel sluggish and unmotivated. One of my triggers is the unknown and uncertainty. Fearing the unknown affects my peace, freedom of expression and my purpose. It actually affects everyone in that way who experience anxiety often. Anxiety is stemmed from the unknown and a gumbo of all the “what ifs.” 

It never dawned on me how much I sabotage my mental health with false limitations and ideologies I created for myself unconsciously. 

“If I don’t complete xyz by noon,  I’ll feel like a failure. Now that its 12:07, I’ll just have to start my project at 1 pm. If I don’t wake up before 9 am, I’m a bum. If I don’t catch up on emails by the end of the week I will be viewed as unprofessional. Don’t do my hair, nails, etcetera, wow, I don’t look like I take care of myself.” 

And the shit show of adulting with a million and one misconceptions go on. Since when did I birth these thoughts? When did I plant this seed of bullshit. It dates back to conversations, failed relationships and my environment. Without knowing, I was being influenced by thoughts and beliefs that weren’t my own. We’re all guilty of it. It happens. We’re all human having a human experience and from time to time need to check ourselves for clarity. 

What we see, read, and say, even to ourselves, is what we digest. When we jokingly say something as simple as “Wow, I’m trash for… I’m such a bum for… I’m so stupid, I forgot to…” It’s unhealthy. What we say and think of ourselves, we manifest. Our spirit doesn’t know what’s deemed as a “joke” and what isn’t. When and how we speak of others, also reveals parts of ourselves. 

Before breakfast the next day, my cousin who was visiting, Ciera, shared stories of her patients. Ciera is a nurse of five years and works on the urology and gynecology floor. During the stories she shared she mentioned in-between that she gets a bit emotional talking about it because her job is such a humbling experience. She picked up on so many verbal and non-verbal cues. It taught her a lot about herself and who she is as a person, especially during her moments of frustration. It fascinates her with the level of peace and optimism her patients embody during their final days. These strong courageous and lively women would share their stories of their journey throughout life and reflecting on what didn't really matter at all during their final days. Some women would say that they lived a good life, experienced love and accept what is happening and even with the fear of the unknown (death), they accept it. They’d always encourage her to get out and start living for herself. One patient in particular hoped and prayed she would just make it till Christmas. The day of Christmas was actually the day of her son’s birthday. Just take a moment to digest what this moment meant at that time. She was hoping and praying to live the day to see another holiday and spend time with her son on his birthday. So simple yet so heartbreaking. And here most of us are, taking for granted how easily it is for us to have the blessing to wake up and just breathe. Simply breathe. The act of exhaling and inhaling rather its rapid or slow. Have all of our organs functioning independently without equipment and we easily allow ourselves to get worked up and consumed by bullshit that won’t matter during our final days, or hell, within the next few weeks of us getting on with our life of any short/long term inconveniences. To revisit the courageous woman fighting for her life, she made it till Christmas but didn't get a chance to experience it or her sons birthday. She passed Christmas morning. Just imagine how traumatic and devastating that has to be for her son and loved ones. He’ll never view Christmas or his birthday the same. He’ll probably grow up feeling like his joy, his mother, his Christmas and his birthday was robbed from him. I can’t tell or advise anyone how to feel who experience such trauma but I can say for me personally… to appreciate life, while mourning the loss of others physically or God choosing to remove people and opportunities out of my life… it just helps to focus on and show gratitude for breathing. There’s luxury in simply, breathing. 

What are some ways you find clarification and recenter yourself? Are there any innocuous aspects in life you unconsciously take for granted? Please share your thoughts below.