(Brace yourself, this article is full of millennial jargon and Hot Girl colloquialisms.)

Summer 2019 was eventful. For shits and giggles, my friends and I would often reference our summer to being a “Hot Girl Summer,” a phrase coined and now copy written by Meg Thee Stallion. A boss move for sure, especially since it was getting gentrified by major corporations. Well What is a “Hot Girl Summer” anyway? It’s definitely a different conversation with men. I get a lot of, “Yall little Hot Girl Summer coming to an end. Y'all can’t be “thot’s anymore. Yall gonna’ need somebody to hold y’all down during these cold months.” Um… Yeah, I think we’re good love, enjoy.

I can’t speak for all but a lot of us Hot Girls had so much fun this summer, with or without a boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/husband. We laughed hard, that silent type of laugh that almost hurts when you finally make a sound and can breathe again all while hitting or grabbing the nearest thing. We sang, we danced, partied hard, so hard we said, “I’m never drinking again!” all while our best friend is laughing and rubbing our back- also recording us hunched over or passed out. So yeah, might’ve smoked a little bit in a few different cities and countries too but we also did a lot of other things. So was living by this summer phrase conducive to our well-being and a form of self-care? In short, HELL MOTHAFUCKIN’ YEAH! It absolutely had nothing to do with being promiscuous. If that was your thing then cool, but I feel like men “over-sexualized” the phrase and created a fantasy of a wild party girl. Well baby, hate to break it to you, but this is what a Hot Girl Summer REALLY looked like:

WE SHOWED UP & SHOWED OUT

Rather it was with the gang or we were solo dolo; we came, we saw, we conquered. PERIODt. Moved to a new city. Got a new job or added another job title/hustle to the list. Signed a new lease on an apartment or bought a house. Or bought a townhouse and rented it out. Renovated our space. Got that new expensive mattress we had our eyes on. Bought plants. Cleansed our space and made our house a home. Paid off some debt. Paid off our car or bought/leased a new one. Kept up with the maintenance. Paid down credit cards. Invested and learned about stocks. Created multiple streams of income. Working towards that 700+ credit score. Got on board with increasing or creating assets. Got a promotion. Or demoted ourselves to have time for our personal and entrepreneurial goals. Received advice and used it. I can keep going on forever about us showing up and showing out. If any of these statements applies to you, give yourself a pat on the back. As humans we naturally find things to complain about or allow the idea of “where we should be” steal our joy. Let’s not just give ourselves and the women around us a round of applause for getting engaged, or expecting a child. Lets cheer loud for when we move to cities alone to start new ventures. Finally put our ideas into a movement or project. Let’s celebrate our girls when they boss up and get a new fucking couch! C’mon, let’s uplift every part of our life. Not just the moments that’s associated with a domestic lifestyle.

So if you’re out here, stressing about the should’ve and could’ve moments, sis. . . breathe. Now exhale. Just be happy with how far you’ve come. You’re further than where you were last year, or last month, maybe even yesterday. Take it all in.

Quick side note for the judgmental and hornballs out there:

And if we did sleep with xyz over the summer, guess fucking what- ITS OUR FUCKING BUSINESS. If we decided to stay celibate to focus on ourselves, STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US TO CHANGE OUR MINDS. Thanks in advance. Stay blessed.

YEAH I’M IN MY BAG & I’M IN MY SELF-WORTH BAG TOO

YOU NOT JUST IN YO BAG, YOU ARE THE BAG. It’s one thing to save and have finances in order, but adding self worth on top of that? Baby… That’s when a woman becomes unstoppable! This summer was about rebuilding confidence and being free from societal standards of anything associated with women. This summer I’ve witnessed everyone around me and in life in general (because the internet makes the world feel so small), boss the fuck up. A lot of women stopped settling for mediocrity, anything from a dead end job or a dead end/relation-or situation-ship had to bounce. Toxic friends, out. Negative family members, loved from a distance. Anyone trying to keep in contact and is no longer worth the energy, BLOCKEDt. There was no more room for bullshit during summer 2019. Parties. But no bullshit. Sorry Biggie.

In business, I learned a very valuable lesson with establishing contracts and why it’s so important to create them. And read them. Closely. I also got rid of my passive tendencies with my creativity. In a panel discussion at this year’s Girlboss Rally, Michelle Phan, a digital pioneer, spoke highly on pricing your worth based on talent and what you can offer, not based on relationships with people and being afraid that they can’t afford your services. As you continue to read this article I’ll dive more into my financial notes from the rally under “Establishing Fuck You Money.” I used to hate giving prices for freelance work. Now, I’m really starting to love it. If I’m “charging too much” then great, it’s never a client or opportunity lost. When you price your fee based off worth it feels so damn good and fulfilling. You also have enough energy to be creative and go above and beyond. I understand how it is as an entrepreneur. I’m always ready and willing to work with people to make pricing work for the both of us. However, some people feel entitled to a price point and expect you to be ok with it, all while requesting a laundry list of tasks for their projects. Nah fam, pay me my worth, not your budget. Being underpaid for talent, let’s face it, to get our foot in the door it happens to the very best of us, but don’t make it a habit or a living off of underpaid work. Always be weary of business partners that get’s friendly. It’s cool to make friendships out of business partners but keep in mind that most people like to take advantage of the friend card and try to short-change you. So never be afraid of speaking up. When you value yourself, others will too. Trust.

But — me getting checks is not going to stop me from checking you.
— Kerby Jean-Raymond, fashion designer and founder of the label Pyer Moss

The track below was my anthem all winter, spring and summer of 2019! The whole Tina Snow album or (project) as Thee Stallion like to call it, was a mood!

NO MORE AUTO-PILOT

When we got too much shit going on sometimes we have no choice but to put our emotions in auto pilot. Out of sick days or maybe you didn’t have any to begin with. Bills gotta’ get paid. The laundry won’t do it self. Got kid(s)? Baby needs food, gotta’ get pampers. So we bury and sustain our emotions everyday to get to and from work and keep the show going. At some point, those silent cries in bed or in the shower isn’t good enough to let it all out. This summer I’ve witnessed women being so transparent about their journey with motherhood, marriage, depression, suicide attempts, heartbreak, therapy, counseling, getting the medication and assistance they need to not only get through the day but to...survive. This summer involved healing, accountability, reflection and ACTION for many of the attendees ready to “drive the boat”.

ENVIRONMENTALLY CAUTIOUS

Hey my ECO-Friendly babes. This summer women got together and recycled, cleaned neighborhoods, beaches, start the conversation in communities and various platforms expressing the importance of recycling. It's cool to see women (men too of course), creating a sustainable lifestyle or at least try to. It's a trend that I hope continue to evolve. As humans, we fuck up everything by polluting the earth. As long as we exist and rent space on the motherland, we’ll always pollute it. Always, but it’s the small things that can and will make a difference if we all act accordingly. Simple ways to re-purpose items fashion wise is shopping at consignment and second-hand stores, purchase from beauty retailers that choose sustainable shopping logistics and continue to research ways to be environmentally cautious.

“After we clean the damn beach up then we can drive the boat”
— Hot Girl Meg

WALKED BY BLIND FAITH

The key to walking by blind faith is accepting what is and deciding what we’re willing to do to get us to where we need to be. Then after you manifest it, you leave the rest to God, the universe, Buddha, your stones, shakras, tarot cards, whatever you believe in, you give your energy to that, and simply be. It’s no cakewalk. But always worthwhile. I appreciate the women taking time out of their day to do card readings on the ‘Gram. My favorite is Adela, (@divineg0ddess). You know how sometimes you read your horoscope and be like “Yep! See, I knew it! That’s so me.” Then look at another readings and be like...well… wait, they all apply to me. Well… not with Adela. Her stuff is on POINT! Has never failed me. One time I felt like being nosy, nosy enough to read my ex’s reading for the week so… I did and… damn. “Sorry to this man.” I don’t want to get off topic here because I can and will so easily with this topic but I’d end it by saying, “I have seen no lies”. “Read that man to filth,” as my millennial peers would say. Not in a negative way of course but shed light on his habits, family dynamics influencing and enabling behavior, toxic relations and infidelity. It was pretty deep. Side note, reading horoscopes keeps me from lurking, so if any of my Hot Girls out there need a sign to stop sabotaging themselves, here’s your sign. S T O P. If you nosy (like me), spare yourself an emotional setback and just read a horoscope. However, be careful and tread lightly, you can still be triggered. Especially if there’s good news or anything relating to a love interest. I try not to ever look into it but when that lurk devil creep upon me, it helps and has been my go to for years.

Below is a Reading posted on Instagram for Capricorns. Click the button below for a shortcut to find yours.

Get 10/2-10/16 Reading

Adela also provides Spiritual Guiding & Life Coaching services.

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ESTABLISHING “FUCK YOU MONEY”

Content source: @Girlbossrally (Instagram)

Money's power over us lies in its ability to stir up every emotion in the book: Anguish about being in debt; pride from purchasing plane tickets to a bucket-list travel destination (albeit on credit...); jealousy due to the constant reminder that others have more than us. To top it off, we generally experience these emotions in silos because our culture has hushed financial conversations in the past. This panel will explore the deeply personal relationships we have with money and break open the conversation to teach us all that we don't have to go it alone. - “Money Matters: Yes, It’s (Deeply) Personal,” Girlboss Rally Panel (2019)

Over this past summer I treated myself to the Girlboss Rally, a conference and community for ambitious women. It took place in the sunny state, California, at UCLA. It was such a dope college themed 2-day experience and worth every bit of my pennies. There was a panel in particular that stuck with me financially. Panelists: Arlan Hamilton, Gaby Dunn, Ramona Ortega, Nicole Lapin, and Yunah Lee all shared the stage.

“If you’re friends aren’t talking about your finances, you need new ones. How can we sit and talk about one night stands and landing strips but can’t talk about what’s in your bank account?”
— Nicole Lapin, Author and Financial Expert

A mothafuckin’ word! I’m paraphrasing and going off memory here, but yes, she said what she said and I was like, well damn… gotta’ point there. Then I decided to magnify my circle and those who I can depend on and trust which actually does know about my finances and me knowing about theirs. Even if it isn’t in detail, we are transparent about our ups and downs.

As Ramona Ortega, CEO and Founder of My Money My Future and Entrepreneur in Residence with Azlo, said “You need to establish FUCK YOU money”. I’m thinking… hmmm… now ya talkin’. Now… What the hell is that…? She explained how we all need money for a day we feel it’s necessary to say “Fuck You, I’m out.” *Throws up deuces (peace sign). I’m paraphrasing but like she said during the panel, “I’m just putting y’all on game”. With so many F bombs dropped during this panel and the GB rally overall, it never dawned on me that I wasn’t building “fuck you money.”

Of course that’s just saying “saving money for a rainy day” but no… this perception of savings was deeper than just rainy day money. What happens when you hate your job so much you feel like you’re about to go postal? You're no longer safe in your neighborhood, or your city is affecting your productivity or mental health, now what? Or your relationship randomly gets toxic and your partner gets abusive– needless to say, financially abusive (a term learned at the rally). Tries to control you and manipulate you while belittling you knowing your earnings are lesser than theirs. Making you feel like there’s no way out your relationship because “...where else are you gonna go?” And as witnessed, when you’re a mom or an older sibling ahead of your household, you’re not just thinking for yourself. You have someone depending on you. But guess what, there’s always a way out. And shit, I still ain’t got no damn “fuck you money” (thanks to these Illinois tolls & tickets - the ghetto) but I know there’s women out there building it and I’m saving x taking notes. Probably would’ve saved myself time and money if I listened to my mother’s advice in high school and beyond but… you know how that goes…

YOU PUT YOUR SAFETY & SANITY FIRST

Embroidered textile red flag by Sophie King

To springboard on what was previously mentioned, no one. I repeat no one on God’s green earth is worth your sanity. You are not responsible for an adult’s mental health or behavior. Don’t ever allow someone to guilt trip you into believing the very opposite. This summer and beyond that point, I can only hope and pray that a lot of us had the courage and support to remove ourselves from unhealthy circumstances.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Does your partner ever….

Insult, demean or embarrass you with put-downs?
Control what you do, who you talk to or where you go?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions without your input or consideration of your needs?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

Domestic violence affects millions, both women and men, of every race, religion, culture and status. It’s not just punches and black eyes -- it’s yelling, humiliation, stalking, manipulation, coercion, threats and isolation. It’s stealing a paycheck, keeping tabs online, non-stop texting, constant use the silent treatment, or calling someone stupid so often they believe it.
— Breakthecycle.org

Diversity illustration by Hope McConnell

My heart and prayers are with anyone who once or is currently experiencing domestic violence. My personal advice to you: I know it feels easier said than done, but do it anyway, l e a v e and get immediate help (professional and or family). Even if you don’t feel comfortable giving your family the details right away or, ever, at least let them know you’re in an uncomfortable situation and need assistance moving, etc. Remove all forms of communication with your abuser. If you can relocate, do so. Even then, sometimes there’s more action that needs to take place. When you love someone, it’s easy to be manipulated with promises of them seeking help, changing, etc. Every situation is different so I can only give advice on what I experienced. I always thought, and still think that couples seeking counseling or therapy together is a healthy option depending on the situation. Whatever you do, DO NOT “wait for things to get better,” or blame yourself for saying or doing something deemed as triggering, or your partners, “demons,” mental health, or anything. Remove the thought of “maybe if I did xyz, things would be better.” Rather a person needs professional help or not, it is not up to you to be their therapist, make sense of, or wait for their behavior to change. You staying doesn’t make you look stronger and you leaving damn sure doesn’t make you look weaker. You leaving will be the start of your new journey. A chance to finally get a peace of mind and start over, make room for growth and healing.

Domestic violence doesn’t end with romantic partners. It can also become the dynamic between a child and guardian, sibling, relative or friend of family.

1 in 4 women & 1 in 7 men ages 18 and older have been victims of domestic violence.
An average of 20 people per minute are physically abused by their partner in the US
72% of murder-suicides involve an intimate partner. 94% of the victims of these women are female.
Every 9 seconds in the US, a woman is assaulted or beaten.

Illustration by Illustration N°3, click image for website

Domestic Violence Hotline website

*You can quickly remove the hotline site by clicking the “X” or “Esc” (escape) icon.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Safe Horizon Hotline: 1-800-621-4673

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THE TEACHER & THE STUDENT

I HAD TO START FROM THE MUHFUCKIN’ BOTTOM
MY MOMMA TOLD ME TO GET EM’, I GOT EM’
MY GRANNY TOLD ME YOU GOIN’ TO SCHOOL
GETTIN’ THAT DEGREE & MAKING IT COOL
— Meg Thee Stallion (Tina Montana Lyrics)

This summer was full of events and meetings that’d sparked our entrepreneurial spirit.Traveled. Learned new customs. Brought awareness and studied political, societal, economical and environmental issues, promoted health and wellness… Shedding light on the importance of emotional wellness, mental health, sex education and tons more. Picked up a new hobby or language. Got some degrees and certificates. And if we did'’t accomplish everything we anticipated, we damn sure gave it our all and still got nothin’ but time on our hands.

Afrosexology Photographed by Erica Jones (@ericalovejones)

So again? What was a Hot Girl Summer? A summer full of nights under the moon, sand in our hair, healed wounds, learned a lot but we also GOT SHIT DONE, with flair as an act of self-care! So now, I only have one question. What are we naming Fall 2019? I also still want to party, but this time like it’s 1999!

Image Source: Aurora James, @aurorajames (Instagram)

XX!

WAS HAVING A “HOT GIRL SUMMER” AN ACT OF SELF-CARE?