GUIDE TO SELF-LOVE

“Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real. ”

— Deepak Chopra

Love yourself - unconditionally:

You get what you put into the universe. I often listen to women expressing their love life or lack of. Women with beauty, grace, intellect, college degrees etc. and yet; feeling so empty. Have everything but still feel vacant. Abandoned from a lovers touch, warmth, and undivided attention. We have a habit and history of seeking love in various places other than ourselves. When that doesn't work, we make investments to seek validation.

We invest in what we cannot afford financially:

We get tired of feeling like we're brushed to the side so we somehow end up in Ulta to make a waterproof mascara purchase but end up leaving with a $30 make-up brush and a $80 make-up kit for instant gratification. Or maybe you're tired of being walked on so you're perusing the web but somehow you ended up purchasing garments from four different sites and purchased a pair of heels that were on sale for $425, regularly priced at $1,579 so technically you were "saving money."

We invest in what we can't afford physically:

We allow ourselves to get so worked up that we indulge in that "cheat meal" for about three months straight. Now we can't fit in our favorite pair of jeans. Or maybe we're trying to impress guys while masking insecurities. Going on ridiculous diets, starving ourselves wearing a waist trainer 24/7 or doing the exact opposite - purposely trying to gain weight, just to look like an edited photo of a social media model posing with flat tummy tea.

We invest in what we can't afford spiritually:

Instead of venting, we either complain or talk shit. Complain about our life and how nothing is working out yet we're not doing anything to change it. We're so bitter about our personal situations that we build ourselves back up by making negative remarks about x, y, and z. Now, every woman - I don't care how God fearing you are, you may crack jokes on others or have your moment when you're sipping your red wine and talking shit. It's not a big deal, BUT, it definitely becomes a big deal when we embody negativity. You can't be happy for others. Always dragging someone's name in the mud. It's never a good look. I like to think what we say about other's is a reflection of how we truly feel about ourselves. If all you do is gossip - it's about time you make a deposit into that account of yours to get it back positive (that might sound corny but it was cool in my head).

We invest in what we can't afford emotionally:

We very often allow men to half ass their respect and effort in courting us. Sitting by the phone on edge waiting for a response. Allowing their actions to dictate our mood, our day - entire outlook on life even. Assuming responsibility for their shortcomings. Why do we allow men to indisputably rob our joy? In the most unfortunate situations, there are many of us who fall into physical and or mental abuse. Everyday masking our truth, putting on a happy face covering wounds - emotional or physical. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it an issue we've witnessed from a loved one so it's considered a norm?

I'm not telling you to go against your dream body. I'm not telling you to not treat yourself. What I'm asking is that you take a break and reflect if you can relate to the "investments" above. Before depending on love that is not volunteered ( from a significant other, friend or family), I have this piece of advice for you: you deserve your own love before anyone else's. Focus on being a better person for yourself. Your sanity needs you right now. It's a lifelong task that has to be repeated routinely. The devil and his doers are always working to make it harder from the moment you decide to start your day till the very moment you decide to rest so you can't be lazy about it. Again, you attract the energy you put into the universe. Yes, it can sound corny and cliche but that energy will attract that exact same energy, if not better, TRUST ME! The greatest romance is the love within yourself.
Like Lauryn Hill once said, "how you gone win if you ain't right within?"

Once you remove negative relationships out your life, you may experience the mourning process. Grieving over your love life and what it's become. Going to work or school ill-tempered. Appearance not the same, feeling so sick that you have to call in for work, weight up and down, can't eat, can't sleep, over-eating, negative thoughts dancing around in your mind, crying excessively, insecurities growing rapidly. You develop this temporary dysmorphia wishing you could change all the flaws you hate- or flaws that were never visible (or exist) until the breakup or fall out with whomever, telling yourself "well maybe I just wasn't good enough"... Stop, just stop. It will be okay. I know it feels like your body was hit by a semi truck and your heart was ripped out, left with a deep hallow hole, but it only gets better. This process makes you stronger, IF YOU allow yourself to learn from it.

Sometimes it's not just our relationship with our toxic significant other. We also overlook our unhealthy relationships with our girlfriends. We welcome them into our lives allowing them to dump their bitterness onto our perception of life and how everything is supposed to work. When in actuality, they don't know which way is up and... if you're not wise enough, you just might become a little experiment for sabotage. The girlfriend who invites you out and says she, "threw something on," then you get to the car feeling wack and under-dressed because you threw something on, literally. Advises you to step outside of your relationship with your loved one just so you can impair your love life and join their single and bitter club that parties Monday - Sunday. Can't have an intellectual conversation with or any conversation that doesn't revolve around negativity. Always downing your aspirations. Expect you to be there for them hand and foot but MIA when you need them. Dump them. Some unhealthy friendships are hard to fray from when there's time and history involved but just like an unhealthy relationship, you have to know when to let go. Some girlfriends are only useful for vain necessities (e.g. beauty tips, partying, random outings- nothing deep) and that's okay! Know the role of your friends well and use them all wisely!

In order to fall back in love with yourself, you need to feed three things:

Your confidence
Your Ego
Your Desires/Interest

To rebuild confidence, dress up more. Sure, your life is a shit show right now but eventually you'll look how you feel. Treat yourself, r e s p o n s i b l y. If you have a little room to splurge, reward yourself for not giving into negativity and continuing to ignore the past. If you find yourself slipping into your old ways, no reward! Get out and be human. Put your phone down and interact with people - strangers, loved ones, set high goals and give yourself a deadline to actually achieve them. Write to yourself, be vulnerable with yourself. Everyone wants to be right, wants to be the hero. In your writings, admit when you messed up. Admit when you did something spiteful out of rage. List all your insecurities, flaws, honest thoughts in the journal - on the right side. After the journal is complete, come back and respond to your entries on the left side. It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself through writing. Host an intimate girls night. When we discuss our problems with people we trust, no matter how embarrassing we think they are, we find that others can relate and may have insight on our situation.

During this process, be selfish and focus on you. Does this mean that you can't let a guy take you out on a date? Absolutely not. Let guys take you out, it feeds the ego. During this time you could use a person (reminding you) how amazing you are. You were hungry anyway, so why not? Wear those sexy jeans that hugs your hips paired with a complimenting top and enjoy yourself. I went out on dates with intellectual guys, corny guys, and guys who were as deep as a puddle. It didn't matter who they were. If they were nice, could make me laugh even if its a little awkward and forced, all while getting me out the house, it was worth it. Also, don't forget about that energy you release into the universe. Cut back on gossip. Buy yourself flowers, rearrange the house. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself vivacious.

We all have interests, rather its creative work (painting, photography, poetry), getting into health and fitness (intense workouts, yoga, jogging, walking), meditating (reading, writing, transitional meditating, guided visualization, zazen), or whatever stimulates you - SO DO IT! You not only fall deeper in love with yourself during each activity, you become centered with yourself -thoughts and emotions. If there were any locations you enjoyed while in your previous relationship(s), it's okay to avoid them but try not to avoid them for too long. You're in the midst of empowering yourself. The last thing you need right now is to create landmark phobia.

Aniyah CymoneMarch 12, 2017Love & Relationships, Self CareComment